My birthday is on the 2nd of March, which means the weeks of January and February just zoom past each other. I jokingly say my birthday is February 30. It feels like it is just a month after January has settled. When the new year has commenced, my brain alerts me that my birthday is coming soon.
Numbers and trivia aside, this year will be a little different. I’m a staunch believer in milestone years and this year is one for me. I’ll be 5 years shy of 40 on my birthday this year, 5 years past 30. (Can you believe it? I can’t. I just can’t.)
So many things have happened in the past years— getting saved, the pandemic, and relocating. Too many to mention here. But over the years, one was constant: God.
Before God found me in the dumps and I quietly in a coffee shop committed my life to Him, I HATED my birthdays.
Before Christ, I had goals that I wanted to reach when I hit 30. A house and a spouse, basically. So when I was in my mid to late 20s and my goals were far from reality, the idea of my birthday coming up was like a heavy, looming rain cloud over me. I hated the weeks prior to my birthday. Hated them because the list did not have check marks on them. Hated me. Felt like a failure. Felt unlovable. Felt ugly. Blamed myself for everything. (Ang saya ko ka-bonding noon, ‘no? Haha!)
I was in a relationship in my late 20s. I pinned all my hopes on that relationship. I was somehow getting to the realization of my list since I was with someone… I was (or so I thought) nearing the satisfaction I had always thirsted for. That the void I had been carrying in my soul would finally be filled.
The relationship ended. I thought I was going to die.
The mere idea of the relationship not working gave me heartache. So when it became a reality it hurt sooo badly. (Manifesting!✨ Chariz.) Side note: Things happen because God allowed them to happen, not because we wanted it so badly that some cosmic energy made it happen… Anyhoooo…
I did not die because of that heartache, thankfully.
After buckets of tears, resentment, sleepless nights, looking for hope in every nook and cranny… God found me. The breakup came at a very very bad time. Everything else in my life was also burning and crashing. The breakup was the flaming icing on the cake.
That was in 2016. I hit rock bottom, but that was when I found my Rock. 🙂
God can truly use anyone to point us to Himself. Husband and wife that I had just met one afternoon shared with me that God gave me a gift, a gift of forgiveness and reconciliation if I turn away from sin and turn to God, and believe that Christ has paid the price for my sins. That He lived the life I should have lived and died the death I should have died. And that after 3 days He rose again, proving He’s the Son of God. This God who became man on my behalf because on my own I cannot save myself. For all have sinned and fall short of God’s glory, and that includes you and me.
All my life I thought good attendance, confession, and trying to be good can get me to Heaven. But all my life I also felt that nothing I do was enough. There was a wall that my prayers were hitting. After that fateful day in Coffee Bean, one orchestrated by God I’d like to believe, my life has NEVER been the same. Yes, it was not perfect. But I’m grateful that He is. I’m grateful that He’s merciful, faithful, and so good to me.
This year, the house and spouse are still not a reality. But that list has long been thrown away. Not that I don’t want them anymore. But I guess the difference now is that they are not what I think will complete me. In Christ, I who felt like a reject was made whole. In Christ, I am never alone. In Christ, I am loved and cherished. As I hit a milestone year this year, do pray for me. That I will all the more trust God wholly, love Him deeply, and obey Him constantly so that I may live out the great destiny He has for me. Manifesting!✨ Chariz.
Life with Joy 