What are you craving for?

When I first tried home made ice cream, all the Cornettos and Magnums never tasted at par after that. They tasted artificial and I see the justification in the difference in price. Php99 for a scoop is worth it.

Back from a Singapore trip, I had withdrawals and kept eating random stuff in huge amounts which I thought were the ones I craved for. It was insatiable. I was getting frustrated at the new habit. After a week and finding myself consuming too much coffee, I realized it was the high amount of caffeine my body was looking for because of the cups of kopi I had in SG. I have to take my coffee black now, it’s the closest to the dose in kopi. And yet caffeine content is just one part of it. Kopi is still kopi.

The culprit

I have shared how performance was my idol and small g god for many years, unconsciously. I strived to be a good student, employee, daughter, friend, girlfriend. It never felt enough and I’d spiral into feeling worthless. I’d get anxiety attacks when I get into a fight with my best friend. I’d crumble when a relationship ends. Being good in the roles I play was the cornerstone of my life. When the roles weren’t A-OK, I’d see myself in such a dark, difficult and dead-end looking stage in my life.

“Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock. But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell with a great crash.” Matthew 7:24-27

He’ll meet us where we are
My self-worth was a house on sand. It’s not easy to let go of something I was used to even though it hasn’t been healthy. When I had to let it go because counter-intuitively, my relationships in general were suffering with how toxic I was with my being something, I started to see that life wasn’t about me being the best whatever anyone can have. I will always have my shortcomings, I will fail people and people will fail me. When I had no one else to turn to and felt like I had no one to care for or care about me, that’s where He met me and proved otherwise.

Slowly, He showed me that my value is not in those things but in the fact that I can go home and Someone loves me no matter how well or how bad I did that day. He just loves me. It’s my prayer every day that He will be the only one I seek. It’s so easy to fall for the tangible pleasures on Earth given our human nature.

He loves us immensely and intimately
At nights I’d feel really bad, He gives me the grace next morning to feel well rested and loved. Times I struggle with something I have to let go of, He gives an impression to me that there’s something better than this, that He wants me to grow closer to Him. Times I over think my actions towards people, He speaks to me and clearly says “Take care of her.” On a day where I can easily succumb to being exhausted and scared, He gives me the grace to still have a good laugh, still have flash backs of good times with a friend who’s far, still dance in the street like a kid, still happily volunteer in Church and serve Him. He turned my day around.

God isn’t beyond the skies, He’s close to us. He’s in us. He can whisper and not need to shout like The Enemy who launches lies upon lies in our head. He’s in You the moment you accept Him.

His love is infinite
It’s okay to like having a good career, well-managed finances, healthy relationships.  But if we have His infinite love in the center of all our finite goals and wants, that’s when everything will fall into its right place. Having God alone in the center stage of our lives is the only amazing set up we’ll ever need. Forget the choir, the drums and guitar, the lights. Have His Word, Wisdom, Love– have Him– guide you in every aspect of your life.

I’m praying for you right now that everything starts feeling right, for peace to settle in your heart no matter the circumstance. I pray for the cravings to stop. That we continuously seek God for He is more than enough. In Jesus’ name.


Myths and Facts

“Why do bad things happen to good people? Maybe He doesn’t love us.”

When I learned a loved one had diabetes, I blamed God. I didn’t turn away completely but I was resentful and saw His love as a fluke. When my then 2 y.o. sister got hit by a friend using my scooter on my 14th birthday, I blamed God and questioned His love. In college, when important people hurt me and/or left, I doubted I’m worth anyone’s love. Through the years I just kept inching away from God’s love. When things would get tough at home or work, especially work, I’d take on things on my own. The fire exit was a good friend. Needless to say I got burnt out in all the jobs I had.

I was quick to blame Him in the seemingly bad things because I failed to understand. Come to think of it though, why was I blaming a lifestyle disease on God? Why was I blaming my classmate’s failure to hit the brakes soon enough on God? Why did I equate deceit of a best friend as a mirror of His love? At worst, I was even blind to the good things that came out of it. I learned to appreciate people in my life more because of those things above.

We conjure misconceptions or off impressions mainly because we don’t understand. How I understand His love now is He works through people and circumstance. Even people who outright refuse His love, He is working on their lives, to become good parents, friends, excellent employees, siblings.

I didn’t transfer to Miriam from the State U because He didn’t love me. It’s Him working on my heart full of pride. My value as a person then was based on how good my grades were, how smarter I thought of myself compared to other people. My units from UP overshot the maximum allowable in MC and I wasn’t eligible for Latin honors. It was still Him working on me and my misplaced self-worth on grades. I exceeded by one unit. One. Can’t be a coincidence. Nothing is.

Awesome people I met along the way. L-R: Kath from UP (friend of 11 years),
Iris from Miriam (friend of 7 years), UP Baguio Debate, MC Debate

How hard I was on myself translated even in the debate org and jobs I had after graduating. He had to prune me for years. It was only last year when I almost lost my best friend over something at work that I realized there are more important things than getting things done. Being able to love a person despite difficult times and letting God guide me in things I do, these are more important. 

It’s funny how it was easier for me to believe Steve Jobs when he said it will all make sense afterwards, that we connect the dots backwards, than me to believe God’s promises and love.

But I believe now. And that’s a fact.